Been talking to Wolfie and my friends, and I'm feeling so great right now!

Trying out the journal design. Not much to say now from last time but gosh I feel so great. I got my deadline pushed for writing class, I got my airplane ticket for Christmas

Songs and fears that I don't want to hear or face are constantly playing around me..
Do I fight back and how?
Or am I suppose to accept defeat and grow from that..
I cannot see anything but wait.. but life isn't waiting for me, so what am I to do now from falling behind?
The pain is seeping through my skin and into my consciousness..
I am a sinner and I am sin.
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I've never been so scared before in my life.. everything is falling apart, my friends, family.. Everyone is succumbing to their fears.. so why am I not able to stick to a side, be happy and ignorant or be cynical? For once I do not know what to do but only have what I want. For the first time I am selfish.. and I want Wolfie...
I want love, but it has to be from Wolfie....

I've been too open-minded and too much maybes. I was lost and blind because of that. I always second-guessed myself and thought maybe I was blind that I didn't love Wolfie or that I'm just dreaming things will work out.

There's a reason why I'm suffering more when I'm away or try to get away from Wolfie. I know what it's like to be stubborn to let go, but I.. really just can't let go of something I love...

I want Wolfie so much that I keep being in pain over and over because being without him is worst. Just.. not even talking to him is worst...

This is the feeling of what I should've felt when I left with him between my parents and I, but I only feel that towards Wolfie and his parents. Everything that was held personal to me I could easily let go now. Material things and things that make me suffer.

I can't let go of my friends and Wolfie, and I don't want to let go of my family either (but I'd like to live separately). They are meaningful to me...

I'm going to love myself by admitting I'm a loving and caring person for the first time, and I can be selfish...

I don't feel like I need pity or venting or running away right now. I just want to wait because I know I deserve Wolfie. And time will show me the answer.

I know God will help and save me.
I am the fool, and this is my gift.

My encouragement seems to be fading eversince my Friday class.

I had to do a skit infront of the class with my partner on the begging part of the movie of "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

This was an acting class and my teacher can be intimidating, and he knows what he's doing but we're not pro's. The problem is I do not do well if the person is intimidating.

He tried to lead me to be more dramatic, to show more exaggerated for emotions. I was already tired from practicing long lines and redoing the scene. The character I thought was flamboyant and a chatterbox. The teacher wanted a girl I hate, a girl who wants attention and puts on a facade all the time.

It reminded of me, but I don't show that part of me, I do not want attention, not in that way at least. Making people pity me or flirt around with guys. I talk sad but I am usually seeking answers or asking questions within it.. it's my small vents. Or maybe I want compassion but I don't want to bring down the mood, I just want to make people laugh but be able to cry with them too.

And I guess the teacher wanted me to be like that since he tried to tie me to personal experiences that made me sad. I learned to lighten my situation or memories by jokes or even vaguely remember it. The teacher asked about my personal life and I just held in the sadness. I didn't want to make a big deal of it, and I would easily cry since it's so hard to cry anywhere without privacy or comfort.

The question that made me run out of reasons to hold in my tears was that he asked if I had someone.
I answered honestly, "Maybe" with a smile, but my smile disappeared when he asked, "Why is that?" I started to cry.

My partner hugged me and I don't know if the teacher did too, but I had a Kirby (it was a prop I brought) and I stuffed my face into it. I hated the silence and the whole class staring. I really was upset at the teacher. It's his job but I'm not the type that likes any of this, nor do I have someone I trust I can cry to anymore.

Crying to me always had bad consequences, like my mom barges in the room and makes me feel worst, or my boyfriends leave me because of it, or I am unable to talk to say sorry or explain what happen. Just so many bad memories.

And so it just rushed out. I cried for maybe an hour? I couldn't stop crying in class. Wolfie comforted me, but when I asked him what should I answer next time if someone brings up if I have a boyfriend and other sad stuff, he said he didn't know what to say to that.

I felt very betrayed. Like I am doing so much for him and for him to say that.. but then I realized he too was being honest. The way that he is, he doesn't say yes without being sure, but he doesn't say no because.. well he doesn't want no either lol. I know him that he is a very confused person right now.. but it's affecting me too.

It sucks because Thursday was so wonderful. Wolfie and I talked so much.. I thought things were getting better.

Luckily I had my last session of counseling right after that class. The counselor seems to agree that Wolfie loves me because he doesn't want to let me go, but she says it sounds like I don't love Wolfie. Also I second guess so much.

So I'm trying to believe in Wolfie and myself again, because if I was okay, what would I do?

I'd still love Wolfie and do my regular routine without negative thoughts. Also I think more kindly like how Wolfie and I did say we wouldn't decide now if we can be together or not. The kind of Wolfie I know is very smart.. and he probably doesn't want to let me down again.. It'll hurt him so much if I visit him and he cannot love me still..

Wolfie cares so much for me in his own way and mine in my own way.. but I keep questioning is this right, am I doing this right? I lost my confidence and passion eversince Wolfie lost his trust in me... It hurts a lot..... and I'm not used to being alone...

5 months and still grieving.. I've been crying every day except when Wolfie and I talk to each other and then I feel great for awhile. I don't have the support of "at least I have someone".. but.. I just want my Wolfie happy.. I want to be the one who makes him happy too.. I don't want to lose my life because of this man, but I trust him so much.. I believe in him..

I love him so much that I'm embarrassed of it.. Can't seem to go without a day remembering, crying, laughing, talking about him. The way he made my heart sore and yet.. it's still soaring.. he helped make me gain my own strength.. but I feel so vulnerable now... I feel hopeless.

But I am not hopeless. I will change into a better person with or without him. I will love him and be hurt over and over.. I'm the person who doesn't take risks and hates pain, and yet he has me falling for him like this.. He even had me regretting to meet him, but I'm happy that I did.. I'm happy that I could regret because it meant.. he can hurt me so much because I love him and the only reason why I regretted was because I thought he could've avoided the hassle of loving someone as horrible as me.. I don't regret it anymore.. I just.. keep loving him.

I just have a mixture of tears of sorrow and happiness. It's well balanced.

Been making friends at school slowly~ I am getting to my habit of hanging around people.. Like I can't be alone. It feels weird. I don't have any close friends yet though, so it's even more weird. I miss my friends.

I had a year of Halloween planned but I couldn't do crap about hosting it on my server. made me sad *tear* but I'll save it for next year. I need to focus on Thanksgiving now! I have to make it FANTASTIC!

Been so busy that I barely play games anymore, but I'm still distracted by Facebook.
My hypersomnia has been cured, I think it's from all the stress of bills and Wolfie has been lightened. Wolfie has been giving me affection and it's been making me happy. I hope when I visit we get along with each other and start going out again.

Below is an example of what happened between me and Wolfie. I kept running away, and he started to get tired of chasing. It's not that he ran out of love for me though, it's more like he thought he couldn't give the love that I wanted (in his eyes, the love I deserved). Yet we keep meeting each other and we don't want to let each other go. So hopefully I keep getting strong enough to be okay alone and he gets to find what he wants in life. It is difficult to live if you have no existing path to walk on or a goal to aim for.

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Just an idea about meeting the other person on the other side of the world when you left or the other person left you. I was trying to tell it to someone but I decided it was too long. Just want to keep it to see if there's any.. flaws to the belief.
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It's just very hard work. That idea that people call fantasy needs to be believed with the mind of a child.

Because the person who want the other person most is sometimes the one who stops in their spot and refuse to move or even start moving in a different direction. Doubts and advice starts to sink in that, "It's irrational to wait and chase after something. If you love them, then you will let them go."

So when they suppose to see each other on the other side of the world or if the other person starts to run back to you, they cannot find you.

If the case is true that you should let them go because it does not suit your type of love (that you need them to save you from the darkness or they always look at you), it means they have let you go. They didn't mean to show they won't chase for you but they feel and maybe are not good enough. It becomes a mutual understanding that they will not chase after each other.

Also if you chase them stalker-like, then that is obsessed possession love. It's love if it has that feeling of that you only want to love that person, not that you can't have anyone else because of insecurity.

I don't know I seem to be rambling. I guess I am trying to say is if you could work at letting go, good for you you're an adult. If you hang on, you're a child who wants a selfish happiness, but it can be a happy ending (you can become an adult or get what you want) or sad (you harm others or yourself). Either endings have hard work, just shouldn't at least give up yourself because the other people can disappoint you.

No beer or game actually. I was sort of bored before class (I had 3 hours to do nothing and couldn't do my drawing homework).

I had to do my tarot because I felt a bit lost. I wasn't sure if I was on the right track but it encouraged me that things will go my way as long as I work for it~ Got to keep my dreams alive.

Lots of things have happened since I started school. So much to do but so little.. things that work out ha ha.

I just need to get a bit more organized.

My game's site is working out, getting updates on the server, and somehow magically working things out with finishing homework in time.

I hung out with my friends and it was always fun. We went out of town to go to this Vietnamese kid festival that was held at a school. It was really packed so we ended up going down the street at an espresso and stayed in the car for hours playing slap jack.
All of their computers in the cafe had like 24 viruses and none of them had audio anymore ha ha.

We went to the pumpkin patch and I took as much pictures and videos that I could. It was fun finding white pumpkins and buying baby pumpkins. Then we went to the haunted maze, I ended up falling when the guy with the chainsaw came up from behind us. Everyone jolted forward and I ended up tripping on a stalk and falling down. Everyone was screaming my name like I was gone for and I was just screaming MY CAMERA!! xD

Ahh.. fun times.

I finally finished posting pictures up on facebook, but I'm so tired to put them on here, so I'm debating. Maybe I'll just put up meaningful pictures.

Just heard news that my best frieeendd has good news but I won't say until she tells everyone else and that everything is set for her. It seems like everything is going well for everyone (slowly anyways).

A friend got a job, a friend got to be closer with me, a friend is finally free, another finally found her other half. I am praying for everyone to be happier :3

I also am slowly working things out with Wolfie and it's been doing great. I just need to trust in him and myself. He's just so lost cuz he's so spoiled~ We're both excited to see each other in December :3

Well that's all for now. Wheee..